Days passed and turned into weeks, in which case turned into months. And all I could do – all I was ever allowed to do – was watch. I watched as my son looked up at Xy and Carolina with love and when left with only me, he had one thing in his eyes: mistrust. Is this what I had wanted in life? To lose everything that was ever dear to me?
Many a time, I had wondered what would happen if I went back to my parents and begged them to take me back in. But then, something along the line of either pride or shame kept me from doing so. But I still kept an eye on them. Mom and dad, of course, were still very much in love.
No matter what hardship was thrown their way, they took it head first together, surviving through the thick and thin. Their love was powerful and great, and never failed to put me in awe. They were each others rock, and I wish I had someone to lean on all the time.
Shelly grew up to be so beautiful. She was a social butterfly. She constantly had a group of friends around her, hounding her for attention, and her laughing along with them all. Her phone was constantly in either her hand for texting or to her ear so she could hear the latest gossip. I saw her set couples up on blind dates, setting them up perfectly where they actually bonded and lasted. And all the while, she had no one. She was surrounded by friends, but had no one to love. Then again… Maybe friendship is enough love.
And Treble… Last time I saw him, he was wallowing in self pity. But I watched as a girl came into his life, putting back light where it was darkest. She refused to listen how he felt sorry for himself, and instead forced him to think and talk of other things. She encouraged him to do something with his life, and this led him to the easel, a past time that the two of them both enjoyed and most likely partook in together.
And Clef. Oh, how I missed that guy who could make an entire room laugh without ever saying a single word. He looked out for Shelly. Made sure guys with cruel intentions never came close to her, and made sure other girls knew their place. He ‘chatted’ with Treble and his girlfriend all the time. But deep down, he was still that dorky little brother of mine that played video games and looked up to his older twin Treble to keep him out of harms way.
They were a great bunch, and I missed them so much. I bet not a single one of them would assume the future I have today. Me, the one who was always so independent and strong. The girl who looked down on the race of men because she thought they were weaker… Only to be herself broken by one.
But, slowly, I started becoming myself again. Being with Snare made me afraid, and just merely being around Xy and Dew (and sadly, Carolina at times) made me heal. Snare always took out his anger on me, never knowing how to deal with the pain inside of him. Perhaps not all men are weak, but Snare taught me that some of them are. To sink so low as to hit the one you love, to take out all your hurt on the only one that is there for you… It was weak.
Then one day, as I was walking to the park to meet Xy and Dew for a picnic, I stopped for just a moment. The beauty around me stunned my senses, and the reality of it all hit me. The man I wasted my life on was broken. The man who always loved me had someone else. I pushed out everyone I knew due to shame. My own son didn’t even like me, not that I blamed the poor fellow.
Quickly gaining my composure, I turned around looking for Xy and Dew. But, I found neither of them, only Carolina anxiously awaiting me on the blanket.
I walked up to her slowly, and cautiously looked down. She turned to me with a smile and said, “I’m sorry I had to deceive you into thinking you had a lunch date… I just needed to talk to you Flutter, without Xy.”
I looked at her, not sure what she was talking about. “Um… What…?”
“Sit down, I’ll explain it.”
I looked down, uncertain and she giggled, “I don’t bit, Flutter.”
She lowered her eyes then whispered, “You love Xy, right?”
I shook my head yes.
“And you’d never hurt him again like you did before, would you?”
I shook my head no.
She looked up at me and smiled, “Good. I had to make sure.”
“Err… Why?”
She looked at my face, staring into my eyes, searching for something unknown to me. Finally she sighed and said, “Xy never told you how I met him, did he?”
“Nope.”
She grinned, “Leave it to him, always being the gentlemen. He promised he would never tell anyone my story unless I wanted him too… he’s true to his word, I’ll give him that much.”
I simply stared in reply, confusion written across my face.
She smiled, and her eyes looked off into the distance, as if she was trying to recall a memory, and I suppose she was. “When I first met Xy,” she said, “I met him right over there, by that fountain,” she said with a smile, pointing in the direction of the fountain. “I remember I was crying. He asked me what was wrong, why such a beautiful girl was crying. I remember looking up at him and spitefully asking him if he ever loved a person who didn’t love him back, expecting him to say no and walk away. But, he took my by surprise. He always does, actually. He told me that he did know how that felt. He told me he had loved a girl since he was a child, and in the end, no matter what he did, she ended up picking his brother over him.”
She then turned to me, “He never once told me who the girl was that he fell in love with. If I had known, I probably wouldn’t have pointed you out at that night. But, I thought you were a burglar. But, I did point you out, and when I saw Xy’s eye’s rest upon you, I knew you were the one he had once loved…” She then added in a quiet voice, “The one he still loved.”
I found a place so safe, not a single tear. The first time in my life and now it’s so clear.
“I thought,” she paused, “That if he spent more time around you, he would lose the love he had for you. I thought that he was just in love with the idea of being in love with you. But, I can see it now. While he’ll never admit it to me in the fear of hurting me, I can see it. I can’t say I’m surprised. A heart never forgets the first person it belongs to. I know Xy loves me, but I’m not blind. I see the way he looks at you… You two belong together.”
Feel calm I belong, I’m so happy here. It’s so strong and now I let myself be sincere…
“What,” I asked, “Are you trying to say?”
She sighed, “What I’m trying to say is that I’m going to leave Xy, and I wanted you to know the real reason. I’m not going to say all of this to Xy, because I know he’ll deny it all and beg me to stay, and I know I’ll be weak enough to believe the words once they come from his lips.”
My mouth fell open; I didn’t know what to say to this girl. This girl, Carolina, who had always seemed so cold and distant to me, was willing to leave Xy. I guess that’s why she didn’t like me, though. Because in the end, she knew she would leave him.
She started to stand up, and I called out, “Wait!”
“Yes?” She asked, resuming her sitting position.
“You said you were in love once with someone who didn’t love you back,” I said. “If you don’t mind… What happened?”
She looked at me with a sad smile, “I fell in love with a boy of the name of Oak Burtree.”
“He was strong, and his beautiful green eyes made my skip a beat. He promised the two of us were for forever. But, he had a greater love. He signed up for the army, and he was always gone.”
This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay.
“Soon enough, every ounce of love he once held for me was put into his work. He climbed up the military ladder, and I went months without seeing him, and even when I did, it wasn’t the same anymore. He was cold towards people, and always afraid. He no longer trusted me. But, I continued to love him, despite the fact that he no longer loved me,” she said.
This moment is perfect, please don’t go away, I need you now….
She let out a shaky breath, “I loved him up until the day that a man in a grey suit came knocking on my door, asking to be let in. Dumb founded, I let the man into my kitchen, in which he held a letter and said his condolences. Oak had died in battle.”
And I’ll hold on to it, don’t you let it pass you by….
I got up and pulled her into my arms, “I’m so sorry, Carolina. I… I don’t’ know what to say.”
She shrugged, “Xy was like that, too. We promised to love each other for forever, and no matter what happened, we would do anything for each other.”
Please don’t go away…
“Then, I can’t let you leave him,” I said.
She smiled at me, “But can’t you see it, Flutter? I love Xy, and I always will.”
“I do see that, which is why you can’t leave him.” I replied.
She pulled out of my arms, “I promised to him that I would do anything for him. Anything to keep him happy. You’re what makes him happy, Flutter. And if leaving him is the only way to get the two of you together, then that’s what I’ll do.”
Speechless once more I just whispered, “Wow.”
She looked me in the eyes and smiled, “Take care of my boys, Flutter.”
I wouldn’t change a thing about it…
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